Horses and alcohol go together so well …. for so many reasons. Good ride. Bad ride. Pouring one for your lost homie. Got rained out. Got rained on. Went off course. Finally grew some balls. To actually enable ball growth.
Again, so many reasons.
I was inspired by my friend Mandy’s recent Facebook post that showed a U.K.-based horse trailer bar. Yes, a horse trailer turned into a mobile bar. BRILLIANT. Of course, the post devolved from there, with us naming it The Long Spot, with drink names like Frangible Gin and Tonic, Steeplechaser, Off Course, Oh Shit Strap and Course Walk (a flight of wines, duh). Brilliant idea credit to Miranda Noyes for her contributions. Oh, and anyone who doesn’t finish a drink gets a yellow card.
Miranda also suggested drinks representing levels – with a shot of Pucker representing starter. So that got me thinking… if eventers and all things eventing were drinks, what would they be? (and for the love of all that is holy and horsey, this is all in good fun. No ill intentions here.)
Amoeba: O’Doul’s. You feel like you’re drinking a beer. You even get all bloaty and full and potentially nauseated. All of the side effects without any of the real danger! OK, so there’s like .4% alcohol. You can still feel it a leeeeetle.
Starter: I can’t beat the shot of Pucker. I just can’t. Hats off to you, Miranda. Well done. Syrupy sweetness with just a hint of shocking aftertaste. You also feel slight shame afterwards, but you can’t say you didn’t enjoy it. 10/10 would drink again.
Beginner Novice: This is like a lemon drop shot. It’s fairly palatable and looks like lemonade. It’s all under control. BUT IT LIES. THERE IS REAL DANGER UNDER THERE. Especially because you can have 10 of them and then all of a sudden there’s trouble like, “What have I done and why have I peed my pants?”
Novice. This is the drink that’s really starting to grow up. Or thinks it is anyway. It’s a Jim Beam on the rocks. It seems impressive at first, and the burn isn’t too bad. But it only tastes good because you haven’t had better whiskey.
Training. Well aren’t you getting all fancy and big. You’re a big old bottle of California chardonnay. You can actually be pretty good, but you just don’t get no respect from the *real* wine enthusiasts.
CCI* for a newly leveled-up rider. Well you’ve arrived now! But this shit is terrifying. You’re an ambiguous well double tequila shot in a bar in Mexico. With a worm in the bottom.
CCI**. A fine aged, single-barrel whiskey. You know what you’re doing and you’re awesome.
CCI***. A Manhattan. All the strength of that shot of whiskey, but boy do you look pretty and fancy.
CCI****. SHIT’S GETTING REAL. You’re a shot of Bacardi 151.
The Riders/Trainers (Just a few, past and present.)
- Elisa Wallace. You’re a high-quality vodka. You can do pretty much anything and are so versatile and smooth. You’re also underestimated.
- William Fox-Pitt. An endless yard of fine imported beer. Seriously, I think his femur is longer than a yard of beer.
- Boyd Martin. 179-proof absinthe. All exotic and stuff, and strong as hell.
- Nick Larkin. A hipstery craft cocktail with 5,871 ingredients. At first glance, you’re like, “What the eff is going on here with these instructions?” And then you try it and think, “OH MY GOD THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE.”
- Dom Schramm. A jumbo margarita. Good, fun, refreshing and nearly everyone likes you. If they don’t, they have no soul.
- Log on the ground. Jell-O shot. Inviting but common/nothing special. Can take them over and over again.
- Trakehner. Jungle juice in a trash can at a frat party. You know it’s trouble, but you want to drink it anyway.
- Water complex. You’re Jagermeister. Everyone thinks you’re going to be fun and provide a good time. Until you end up on the ground covered in something wet, and your friend has left you.
- Cottesmore Leap at Burghley. PURE GRAIN ALCOHOL. YOU SO CRAZY. EVERYONE STAY AWAY.
Your turn now. What other aspects of eventing are quintessentially alcoholic drinks?