Letters From Ollie


Dear Mom,

I have been having fun in “camp” this month. Actually, no, I have not. Why the eff did you leave me here? I am being horribly mistreated. I don’t get second or third dinners, I don’t get a lot of treats, and sure as hell no one calls me Pumpkin. Additionally, my license to be in charge has been revoked, and I’m afraid I don’t know what to do with myself. This new world order does not please me.

The person who seems to be in charge here appears to be named Angela, but I call her the Rabbit of Caerbannog. You know that white rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail who looks all tiny and cute and harmless, but will straight up cut you? Yeah, that’s her. She’s so mean to me.

Also, it seems that no one really completed her training, and she apparently thinks that she can tell me when to halt or turn, or what pace to have. She clearly is not a professional. She has no idea that it’s not her job to tell me what to do. I need you to set her straight. But she makes me, like, halt and back up and stuff if I try to tell her, so I usually just give in at some point. It’s too hard otherwise, and I need to save my strength since I am not being fed well. I mean, just look at me, mom. Wasting away.

I AM DYING.

And now, it seems she is beginning to brainwash you, too. When you finally came out this week, I thought you were here to liberate me, kiss my forehead and reunite me with my leadership paperwork. Instead, she appears to have drugged you and strapped some balls on you, as you are now operating with the same evil sorcery that she initiated on me. This is unacceptable.

Today was the last straw. I don’t know why I am telling you this, since you were there, but it needs to be said.

When we arrived on the cross country course this morning, she completely ruined my valiant efforts at recreational spooking. I mean, clearly I’ve seen cows before and I’m not in the least scared by them. But, as you know, recreational spooking to get out of work has worked well for me in the past. But she wouldn’t let me play my game and instead smacked my face and made me back up to China. It totally took the fun out of it when I had to quickly give up. She further ruined my day when she wouldn’t let me take over on the XC course when I tried to tell her that I preferred my superior decision-making skills. The Rabbit clearly has never ridden XC before. I mean, who does she think she is, a Rolex rider or something?

To top it off, she instructed YOU to hack me around and make me be PATIENT while the other poor brainwashed horses listened to their masters. You have totally forgotten how to be subservient, and it’s really ruining my jam, here.

I want to come home. But I overheard The Rabbit say something about lessons for the next month. I cannot believe you are continuing my torture here. My resolve is beginning to fade, as I don’t have much strength left. I am afraid that if I stay here much longer, my transformation to Pod Horse might end up permanent. It’s a shame, as I had worked so long on perfecting my leadership skills.

I bid you farewell for now. 

Reluctantly,

Ollie

 

P.S. I leave you with video evidence of the meanness I have experienced.