Serious Government Inquiry Needed

We need to get horses put behind bars.

We have a problem. And the government needs to get involved ASAP. You see, we need some serious surveillance. The postal system is being hacked and compromised.

By horses.

Yes, you read that right. It appears that horses have found a way to hack the U.S. Postal Service and set up some sort of sting operation. The sophistication with which they have been able to narrow their targets is unprecedented. Using state-of-the-art technology, they have been able to detect in the mail stream envelopes and packages to and from very select targets with great precision.

Using their network of spies, horses have been able to detect items such as entry fees, new tack and official copies of sale papers. When these flagged items have been found in the network, the target horse involved receives a covert alert. It’s up to the target to determine how he or she wants to deal with this sensitive information, but we’ve been told that this typically leads to lameness or serious illness in most cases. Sometimes, even life-threatening.

Shows are being ruined. Newly purchased horses are becoming useless. New tack use is being delayed, and vet bills are piling up. Someone has to stop this.

I am calling for an immediate investigation. The USPS is being breached, and this is serious. It’s, like, a felony.

Until we figure out their method and mode of communication and interception, keep an eye on your horses, and sleep with one eye open. Install cameras if you must. Your wallet depends on it.